Every established journalist and guy sitting on his couch and blogging in his underwear about Apple dreams of an interview with Steve Jobs. Some of us even carry around a list of questions, just in case we happen to be hanging by our fingertips to the edge of Steve's bathroom window waiting for him to relieve himself, but what are the odds a person will get to ask any of those questions before the Palo Alto police show up with tasers? About the same as the Zune beating out the iPod. So what is a citizen journalist to do?
Ask Fake Steve Jobs. The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs is an anonymous blog written in a style that seems eerily familiar to anyone who has dreamed of what RSJ is really like. So I sent FSJ my list of X questions, only to find that there were actually IX questions. It's close enough, and the same can be said for FSJ, assuming it's not actually RSJ, not that I'm suggesting that. Not even remotely.
- We all know Steve Jobs invented the friggin' iPod—and we thank Apple facing Cupertino at dawn on our knees every day—but imagine for a moment you lived in some alternate universe, like where the Nazis won the Civil War or something, and there was no iPod, what MP3 player do you think you would be using?
Hard to answer. Not sure. I tend to think I wouldn't be listening to any of them. I don't think any of the others are beautiful enough to use. So I guess I'd still be spinning vinyl. Which, as you know, still sounds better.
With the advent of the iPhone, Apple has once again proven its mastery of industrial design, this time by removing all thesuperfluouskeys on a phone, like the ones with numbers on them, but having distilled the essence of the user interface to a single button, where do you go from here?
Nowhere to go now. This is the end of the phone. We have done it. We've put the ball over the goal line. From here until the end of time, the iPhone will be the design people will use.
No one can argue that the Apple TV is the most simple and elegant living room appliance since the iPod Hi-Fi, but have you ever actually watched any video bought from the iTunes Store on an HDTV, because thatguy from AP who savaged the Apple TV isn't legally blind—so what's up with the YouTube quality at $12.99 a movie?
Okay, Mr. Video Snob, I guess you can tell the difference. Let me guess. You're also one of those people who sits around in the theater at the end of the movie and watches all the credits. Even on foreign movies where the credits are all in Greek hieroglyphics or something. Especially on foreign movies, in fact. Right? Am I right? And you get all pissed when people in front of you stand up to leave while the credits are rolling. Well, for you and your ilk, don't worry. We're gonna have a special good quality version in the future, and we'll charge something like 20 bucks for those. Meanwhile the frigtards will buy the shitty looking movies. Maybe you haven't noticed all the people listening to MP3s—convenience trumps quality, for 99% of the population.
Everyone knows Apple prides itself on diversity, right down to the flip-flops and hairstyling by Crayola you see on employees standing around outside the Campus in Cupertino on smoke breaks, but taking a look at the Board of Directors it's strictly a Y chromosome club. Do you see any women joining the Board of Directors at Apple in the future, maybe a lesbian—totally hot, of course—to make up extra diversity points?
No way. No friggin way. Larry once considered something like this. He wanted to have an entire management team made up of 16-year-old Asian girls with nymphomaniacal tendencies and daddy complexes. Chuck Phillips was good to go. But Safra Katz shot it down. Anyway, this is a rule I've lived by for my entire career. No bitches on the management team. Just distracts everyone. And they have their "time of the month" or whatever. Or then they go have kids and get all weepy. Frig that. Also, another rule: Whites only.
At the WWDC in 2006 we all heard about the "secret features" of Leopard that couldn't be revealed because that bald guy in Redmond might steal them for Vista. Well, Vista is out, and Leopard is to be released no later than June, but no secret features have surfaced in developer builds, and some people are starting to suggest that there are no secret features, that it's kind of like the 3 GHz PowerMac G5, so what do you say?
Okay, fair enough. Guilty as charged. Busted. Truth is, we were waiting for Vista to come out so we could steal some ideas from them. Then those bastards tricked us and didn't put anything new into Vista that we could steal. Damn you Bill Gates! Always one step ahead of us.
President Bush was once asked what mistakes he had made during his first term in office, and he was unable to think of any, not even choking on a pretzel. A lot of people thought this arrogant, but no one can accuse Steve Jobs of being arrogant, so how would you respond to the question of the biggest mistake?
My biggest mistake? Golly, where do I begin? There have been so many. See, I think making mistakes is a good thing. I think it's necessary. You can't make anything great in your life unless you make lots of mistakes. And the bigger the mistakes, the bigger the accomplishments. It's like a rule or something. And the ratio is usually 10 mistakes for every success. So I guess I could just multiply my successes by 10 and give you a number. But anyhoo, some of the biggies would include:
not wearing condoms first time I went to Asia, and ignoring that painful drip when I got back.using the 7-day Miracle Cure three weeks in a row. One word: Leakage. sweater vests. bow ties. this weird gay jacket type thing i used to wear.
Greenpeace has once again defamed Apple as the mostenvironmentallyunfriendly company that gets them a lot of press by being named toxic. Surely, this must anger you as someone who won't even eat meat, which is about as friendly to animals as you can get. Has that anger ever led to the point where you've considered taking action like the French did, and just sinking one of those damn hippie boats?
"Anger" doesn't begin to describe it. I hate Greenpeace so much you can't believe it. They're a criminal organization. Okay? That's it. They're like a mafia family. They come to you and demand money and if you won't pay, they defame you and attack you until you give in. Well, we're not giving in. We're not paying. Jesus, I don't even pay most of my suppliers. You think I'm going to pay Greenpeace?
Recently, EMI pretty much said getting rid of DRM was actually their idea, and not as a result of that incredibly insightful letter posted using Apple's web site like it was a personal blog, so could we set the record straight about who invented music that we all love without DRM once and for all?
Well, look at who said it first. If EMI wanted to claim credit, they could have done this a year ago. Or six months ago. But did they? Come on. Have you ever dealt with music industry people? These are people who are pretty much incapable of telling the truth. In any situation.
Finally, there is a business aphorism that states any organization dependent upon the efforts of a single individual is ultimately doomed to failure. Any thoughts on that, especially in light of the options scandals at Apple and Pixar, and the gunslingers at the SEC looking to make a name by take down El Jobso?
I've never heard that business aphorism but anyway Apple certainly is not dependent on any single individual. It's not like I do everything at Apple. There are at least three other people who make important contributions at Apple. Not as important as my contributions, but pretty important. As for the SEC, here's our plan. We've already worked it out with Nancy Pelosi. We stall these bastards until the 2008 elections. Then we get a Democrat into the White House and they call off the dogs. No worries.
That concludes my ten question interview with FSJ, which was actually nine questions, the tenth being self-evident. Who is the author of The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs? Certainly not Steve Jobs, not even remotely.